Hello! Sorry for being M.I.A, a lot has been happening lately, well, not the worst, but not that well to me - I still can't believe is already August.
One year ago, I was given with a new dream, a new vision from God. I went through a tough time to get over someone, the bitterness of unfulfilled promises to me. I set my eyes onto the Lord and pray for breakthrough. Then, God gave me a calling, to step out, to walk on water. I was just graduated, and supposed to go on with my life just like anybody else, you know, welcome to the life of a working adult, then earn as many money as possible, fight for a greater life. However, I know my calling is not called to live like that, not that easy.
Until the beginning of this year, I still struggle about pursuing this calling. I have nothing, literally, the biggest problem is I have no money. They said all we need is to take a leap of faith. I trust Him. He will surely provide and make a way. My plan was going accordingly until the day I went for my first Visa interview to The States. Bad news. Yes, my visa application was declined. I was devastated, wept and cried out to God, asking thousand times of why, but He remains silent.
I fasted and prayed for 40 days, it was tough. My hunger and emotional vulnerability bring out my worse, I was angry and emotional all the time. I cry everynight, I isolate myself. I hate to answer questions like "How are you?" or "Are you okay?". I shut people off because I don't know how to be myself anymore. I had bad dreams almost every night, having the same conversation with the same voice, that maybe maybe ending my life is a way to end suffering. Friends, I am completely transparent here, telling you, the bubbly girl you see everyday also suffered from depression and attempted suicide. Thank God for people around me, angels that sent by God are people around you who never stops making you smile. There were countless times that I lost control and broke down, I wept in front of my leaders and members. But they prayed for me, they cried together with me, they hugged me tightly... What love is this?
After finished my 40 days fast and pray, I went on my second round of visa interview appointment, dated on Aug14 at 8.20am. My heart felt extremely uneasy, I hate to go back to the U.S Embassy. My previous experience still haunt me, I did my best to prepare everything I could for this interview, making sure everything is almost perfect. I couldn't sit still, I was scared, anxious, afraid... "What if I fail again?"... "What if I get my Visa, but I don't have the financial support to live there?" all the "what if.. what if..." rapping inside my head. The voice of enemies only beat you down, and it got into me.
I woke up at 4a.m. and saw a message from my pastor in U.S. He told me that after much prayer and discussion with board members, this year intake is calling off, will resume next year. I do not know how to describe my feeling. To be honest, I wasn't sad, I felt a sense of relief and peace. Of course, I was disappointed after one year of anticipating, but this good news or bad news is an unexpected answer from God. Nothing is such coincidence that the entire intake is postponed just right before the night I was suppose to attend my visa interview. The timing was so close and right.
I guess, God see my pain, and all the things I've been trying with my own strength was killing me. The door is not shut, instead, it is waiting for me to come and unlock it. I have the key, God gave me the key already. I have one more year to prepare myself to be better and equipped. The journey of this pursuit already changed me so much, I am looking forward more changes in me til next year, and go on with my next journey there in the States.
Yes, the waiting is hard. We're all waiting for something. Since day one when I got this vision, I was in the early days of waiting where it still feels hopeful, exciting and full of faith; Then I got so tired, like trekking through the wilderness for a long time, I can't wait to end this journey, I wonder maybe the promise was just my own imagination.
I shared with my close friends. I felt so unhappy that I couldn't enjoy many things. I gave all my life towards the promise, is like I had no choice but to keep moving that I don't think I can quit either.
I am tired, but I know it has to be worth it, I can feel it in my bones, in my every cell inside of me. Now that I have one more year in Malaysia, I want to live like God has something for me here, I know God has mission for me, for the world, for my country, for my home church, for my cell group, for my workplace, for my family. Now my eyes is set upon God even clearer, the vision was made confirmed because I did not give up though there is a delay. Knowing me, I am not a person who waits, I hate waiting, I admit I do not have patience. But I would wait for something that I know God has for me along the way.
I haven't reach yet, but I'm reminded that God's story for me isn't finished.
"Waiting isn't punishment, and it isn't a rite of passage. It's an invitation. An invitation to deeper places, where only the brave one to continue to dream and hope, knowing without a doubt that there are storehouses of good things waiting for their time. Like barrels of great wine."
Right now, I am throwing parties in the desert. I choose joy even when I lost of hope and I lack of faith, it is completely okay to feel bruised, because He has given me so many other reasons to dance, and to sing, to laugh and to love and to celebrate.
I can't tell all my friends who have been supporting me to this dream along the journey one by one. I want to dedicate this post to everyone of you, who has been walking this journey (so far) with me, who never stops encourage me, who never stops praying for me, who never stops loving me...
I knew, some of you are happy that I am staying because I get to annoy them one more year ;) Good news or bad news, happy or sad, I really can't tell. Because the story isn't finished, the ending already has a promise. I'm not turning back.
Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. - Isaiah 40:31
"Don't give up on your dream. Delay is not denial, you belong here." - Pastor Troy Marshall
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