No way for burden.

Can you imagine that?! We are in the 3rd week of 2010.
I thought new year mood would last longer but nooooooooooo..
I felt like I've been went through half of a year already. Classes started, finally I'm in my final year. I'm graduating next semester. Awesome huh!

I'd been through a tough, challenging, fun and sad week. I'm not joking! This is just the beginning. The next time I would definitely use more extreme 'adjective' to express my feelings. Projects was given, tasks was assigned, position was chosen.. Everything are testing my patience, my capacity, my wisdom, my strength, my faith and even my grace to peoples around me. I never in this kind of situation, my schedule is packed everyday. Planning is working non-stop in my mind. I got a 'blackberry' in my brain kay. p/s: Dont ask me why not Iphone. Anyway, I wont allow anything that could screw up everything!

I felt like I want to cry whenever I was stuck in any situations. My flesh is dead. Emotionally is dead. Mentally is dead. Oh wait, thank God spiritually still strong. Amen! I really wanna be my best to do my part as a cell member, as a good friend, as a good leader, as a good student, as a good daughter and sister. I'm learning to be better, helping myself and helping others out. Unfortunately, no one understand me, my situation, my feelings, and my efforts. Think I do all these for the sake of sympathy? For the sake of grades? For the sake of duties? For the sake of responsibilities nobody wants to hold? Well, I wont deny I don't have any selfish thoughts. I tried to be selfish. When people afraid of getting hurts, they sew their heart. The soul is hide beneath. And this is the saddest 'surgery' has made. I did before. But I realize this is useless, this is not what God wants me to do. He gave me love, to love first you need a pure heart.

I just want to clarify that what I am doing right now does not benefit me. That whatever I'm working on right now would never gonna be my burden. You guys are not my burdens. They are the people I care and love! But I feel alone. I'm scare. I feel discouraged. I dont wanna repeat the same mistake. I need important people in my life to really understand me, support me, make a commitment to me. But why is it so difficult? I'm not doing enough? Friends need me, so do I. I'm not God. I'm not perfect. My heart is not made from iron or plastic. It is a pure heart with unseen vessels. No recycle!

p/s: In the midst of battle, I need trusted and strong warriors to fight and cover up each other. And WE must win.

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