heal or unheal?

I'm in the midst of my finals exam. And I still blogging! Awesome isn't it?
When I can't find a right person to talk to, my blog is my online shelter. =)

I feel like a blender machine now. Mixed feeling blend together.. 

Ingredients like onions or garlic produce tears. Uncontrollable and this is natural. 

What about orange and carrot? A little bit of orange sour come together with carrot's sweetness are just perfect.

So many things in my head now. Sometimes I wish I'm that kind of extreme easy-going person, nothing can beat them down. Is it I'm not strong enough? Or I'm too strong? 

I'm sad because I have finally come to this edge that we not going to be the same anymore. Someone who used to mean a lot to me. It is not my will, but is for the sake of both, and for the sake of everything. I do not want this, instead, I hate it. I was just..cannot take it anymore. I've tried, I've sacrificed, I've love, I still do not see this is working. I just felt like I never being cherish as whatsoever best friend, or as a family, even as someone that mean a lot to him just like how I used to think. I discover the truth, I see lies.. 

I was mad. I really do. I never get a chance to become his priority, I was not 'exist' at all for him, I was just a "back-up". Who wants to be someone's option? And I hurt. I've nothing to say. I've been accepting him, forgiving him, and keep loving. It is very tough for me. No one understand why. I cried out to God to give me more heart with more grace and mercy, to keep me walking on and forgive. If we still being so ignorant, guess I gonna miss you how you used to be, so unfamiliar now. Just like a strangers that used to know each other. I guess my priority is wrong. He shouldn't be the one I care the most, shouldnt be the one I love anymore. I need to love myself a little bit more, and give to someone who needs love. 

When comes to my studies, I'm keeping myself to study hard, do my project perfectly awesome to apply my scholarship for my degree. I have many dreams. And this is one of my dreams :) Sadly to say, I gotten unfair treatment after I found out my lecturer can be so lazy to the extend that she asked her so called favorite student to mark our assignment. Man..this sucks! The one who doesn't like me was the one who marking my assignment. Guess what? I got 5/10 only. This sucks! Seriously, I know my efforts deserve better than that! I am so pissed off! I wish I can just slap the lecturer and this particular 'senior'. You jealous my talents? Go ahead! Someone like you who trying to pull me down just giving me 5 out of 10 marks.. So ridiculous.. So stupid.. 

I tell you what. I can be super sweet and kind girl and totally harmless ONLY if you never mess with me. I had enough of being treated like SHIT! 

Am I really a lousy person? People just dont treat me as someone matter to them? People dont appreciate me..People dont love me.. Well..I just dont care anymore! 

p/s: "sorry" cant really heal a broken heart. God does.