Closure

Two years ago, I had a revelation from God that I am called to a new place, a bible school called Lionsgate in the United States of America. I was scared but I went full on despite of all the challenges. 

I spent one year to prepare myself, no, I was never ready for it. I try the best I could, to leave everything behind. I went through emotional roller coaster during last year, went through the rejection and trauma experience in U.S. Embassy, the crazy amount that I need to save for my living cost in U.S. and the fear was eating me up every night. 

Out of sudden, Pastor Troy from Lionsgate decided to postpone the intake, it was exactly one year ago. I was waiting, confuse, wonder "Am I forgotten?" I hear no news, or coming intake, I see no direction, what's next?

Three months ago, I got a call from my pastor here, I was invited to join the staff team as a graphic designer. I said yes, and I have never felt so fulfilling than ever despite all the sleepless nights, but that joy is to know that you are serving God. But deep down, I was still waiting and hoping for an answer from God. What happened to the dream that you have put inside my heart? What happened to the call to go Lionsgate? Am I doing the right thing right now? Am I doing His will?

Today, I finally got it. Through Pastor Troy, God said to me "It is done." No, I'm not done yet, but Lionsgate was not the ultimate destination for me, it was part of the journey that I had to bypass to get where I am right now. In all my life since I came to know Jesus, I was full on for Him, I wanted to lay down my life, do His work in all the days of my life, a full time ministry servant of God. I wanted to change the world, I wanted to spread His love and amazing gospel with everyone. I wanted to use media to touch lives. I wanted, I stop wanting because of the past hurt and disappointment. I stop stepping out. I stop leading. I stop being the person He wants me to be. I play safe, a Christian who still love God will all her heart and soul, who still serve God week in week out, who still pray and love others. But God said "This is not enough for me."

I can do more than that. I know I can, but I was in denial that I have better plan ahead for me. A better plan will not happen if I stay here in Malaysia, I am so wrong. 

Today is a day of closure. I have never felt something like today, something is dying inside of me yet I still see a new hope and dream. The dream has died. Because God is bringing me to a new place, a new dream, a new mission. 

Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)