messed up.

Right now, I dont really know what my life is having now, sounds emo? Yes, I am very EMO now! Help me! Wait, let me clarify this doesnt mean my life is purposeless. I'm just...too free? How I wish I'm free without any problem too. But this is impossible!

As usual, everyday I slept at weird hour, woke up after 12 hours. What I do everyday? Basically, I almost become a freak! TV-freak, On9-freak, Manga-freak(yes, i read alot of manga lately).. However, I'm jobless which means I'm broke! How can I buy christmas gift?? T_T But good news! I fulfill my first fruit of Arise & Build this morning! At least I wont be tempted to use this amount of money! *winks*

Today serving, team leader called me and asked: Are you having any problem in serving? I was shocked because I dont think I have any problem. I thought I was fine? What I did? Did I done any mistake? Guess my performance during serving was not carry the principle of excellence spirit. I understand that he was just concern and I wouldnt mind to be corrected if I done anything wrong. I felt even guilty that I'm such a lousy usher in church.

All these while, I've been tried my hard to serve in usher ministry. I started to realize my ministry always went downhill. During this one year of serving period, I served every sunday, but I also stopped 2-3 months when I felt like I was burning out. I thought everytime I took a break, back to ministry again could made me stronger. After the question from my team leader, I wondered whether I should continue my ministry in ushering or not. I was thinking if my performance was not satisfying, and even trouble my team. Why dont I quit and let other people who has higher potential to grow? I really hate myself behave like this. I dont wanna take a break then come back, stop and long can it last? NO point!

I know how to balance my life, but I just couldnt manage properly in my ministry. I feel the pressure, sometimes I even feel sophisticated... Guess I just keep messed up this area. I cant find the bonding of me with my team...

For me I willing to do anything if only I can see the result. I want to contribute more. Whatever I was in college, church, cell group or ministry, I just cant find myself in usher ministry. Arghhhh..I hate this issue! @#$%%&%#^# How can I solve this problem? =(

I wanna take control! Stop it and just let me do what I want!

p/s: no matter what it takes, i'm still a strong girl.

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