confuse & scare.

I really dont care who is reading my blog now. This is my blog, I write because I would never say this out.


I'm so confuse right now. Being as a person to obey His command, love one another and forgive. How can I live with that where I actually wasn't a loving person. I'm such a hypocrite, evil minded person. Truly, i do feel shame. No one can feel the struggling I'm having except God. But if I can't even forgive someone, I don't deserve His forgive anymore.


I'm not self-pitying myself, I said what I felt. And I don't afraid to cover up. The fact is, I cannot pretend myself does not love someone at all, deep down I know I do, very very much, but I was done chasing; I cannot love someone if I have to pretend I'm okay to forget & forgive; I cannot grow closer with someone if I still cannot get rid of this feelings. Love and hate is just a fine line. This is very true.


Everyone asked me if I'm okay. What am I suppose to say? No. I'm not okay. Then? So I just smile and say I'm fine. Thanks.


I just want to say sorry to my Father in heaven, my leaders that care about me, and those who I love. I know I broke your heart for what I done and what I said. 

p/s: even if we grow apart, and even if we don't talk as much in a year from now on, just remember i'll always here for you. Again, I'm fine. Still alive.