When is the perfect moment?

It's pathetic how we are called to love, but how intimidating for me to love, again. "Get over it", people said that all the time. Sometimes, a painful scrap we had once was so long ago, we thought we are healed. Perhaps, we think? It is now a scar? We wash over the wounds, and one day, the skin peel off and realize there is blood, dropping out unstoppable. Now, it turned out not just a scar, but it is part of us, living-in-us. 

Ever since then, I swear I deserve better. He, that guy, was just a past tense. A lesson for me to learn. But worse, I can't love someone; I love people because I have to; but I can't love someone, someone that I can trust and give my heart to. It has been eating me slowly without realization at all until I realize I can love, again. It is scary. If I can choose, I choose not to. But, I don't have a choice. 

I was living in the state of denial. The mental torture is killing me, yes, i know. It is not worth it at all. I was struggle. I think I would rather live in uncertainty where there is a possibility that he might love me. Foolish I know. Truth is hurt to tell after everything I have felt, for once, I felt something so real again. What am I waiting for? I've been waiting for the perfect moment. 

I know in my heart that perfect moments do not exist. Courage is the most important virtues, yet I still picture a perfect scenario whete the opportunity will present itself and I can finally say what I've wanted to say for a long time and hearing what I've been wanted... I pray and ask God to show me His will; I fast and pray to go deeper; I did everything I could. Guess what? I was broken down. The longer I wait for that perfect moment, the perfect timing, my emotional was paralyzed. I lose myself. 

It is ridiculous to me. I always get what i wanted. If I want something, go for it! I've known as a supergirl, vulnerability is not me; I wear a strong suit. Now that I'm believing something that doesn't exist, hope and wishes and dreams...

I guess, this is what we are going through every day. We are always looking for the right thing, the right one, the right time... We know better when our hearts we know better. We know that the right time is always and only the time that we have in every moment. The truth is we wait for perfect moments because we don't think that we are enough in that moments that we have. We wait for opportunities; a boy, a job, a dream or a life we want to live. I struggle with my own insecurity; I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not talented enough, I'm not interesting enough, I'm just imperfect....

There is no perfect moemnt. We keep waiting for once, and cripple ourselves from being in that moment we find ourselves in. I made it, I took the first step to tell. I told everything, even the side that not everyone knows about me. I did not want to waste any more time to live for something that we can't foresee. If we keep waiting for the perfect moment, we will be waiting in vain. So, what is the result? I told him, but it wasn't a perfect moment at all. Of course, it was painful. The least I got, at least I know the answer. Everything that I felt was just me making it up in my head alone. In the end, those imperfect moments that we ignored or afraid of, turned out as our saving grace. I finally know what the outcome of my courage is, it was worth it to risk it even things don't work out the way I want to. 

"Because through any moment's imperfection, knowing is better than wondering; knowing is infinitely greater than having to live in wonder."

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