November 9. I suddenly remembered two years ago of today, I was baptised. Out of boredom, I looked back these pictures, the day I was baptised, it got me thinking about my journey so far, following Jesus. I don't have the best testimony to share about His goodness over my life, but I do have stories of how I have encountered Jesus during tough times.
To be honest, the person I am right now was not the same like 2 years ago, I have changed so much, I hesitate should I share about this part of myself to everyone. What if people judge me? What if people will look at me differently?
If you know me closely or you have read my previous blogpost before, I wrote about why I didn't make it to Lionsgate Bible School at The States. Well, I have moved on, really. But there are people who might still care or don't know about me still asked me questions like these:
"How come you are still here?"
"Aren't you go to the States already"
"What happened to Lionsgate?"
"Do you still want to do?"
"How was Lionsgate man!"
I do appreciate these concerns about my decision to Lionsgate. I have been answering the same questions, up until today, still happens all the time. I got so tired of answering, and I just wanted to brush it off "I didn't make it. That's all." My face may seems no expression, but my heart is painful because I do realised this, "yes, I can't make it," THIS DREAM HAS DIED. And a part of me was dead too, the pain of knowing you can't pursue your calling that you thought it should be; the pain of rejection and abandonment. I don't know why God called me to the States, but He left me here without answer. Is it because I was not good enough? When I realise I should stop dreaming, I stop hoping. But you know, we can't just switch off that emotion like that, especially I am quite an emotional person.
Until I started working in church as a full time staff, I was hired to be a full time designer, the interesting part of me is this girl, yes, ME, I am not a professional graphic designer. I studied media and mass communication in university, but because I love doing design in advertising subject, I self taught to use Photoshop, Illustrator, etc. During my internship period of my college time, I even requested to be placed under designer post, because I want to learn more about design. I continue to explore, learn, try to enhance my skill, and I made so much mistakes, the method that I use was not the proper way that how a designer should be, but I did it because I don't know what is right or wrong on a design term. I kept trying and doing it. Then, I slowly pick up small project as freelance job like doing website banner, design a new business card for friends, for people who cannot afford to hire a big designer. I was only paid around RM50-100 for a task, sometimes it was free because I don't have an impressive portfolio but I was so happy to do it, more than willing because I know I can help someone who needs this.
So, when pastor called me, I was confused and intimidated by the standard of how our church had set in the past few years. Here, we do majority things using media, we had stunning praise and worship background to play the lyrics, we have weekly announcements slides and videos, and super creative sermon slides to help all the pastors and leaders in preaching the Word of God. I was scared that I won't be able to meet the expectation. I worry I will so busy and stress everyday, no more sleep before 11pm, no more weekends.... But my heart wants it so much because I know I always wanted to pursue God in a full time ministry. And my vision is always the same, using media to influence the world, with His amazing message, media can empowered us to do it more efficiently! I said yes, it was during April of this year.
I guess the typical testimony of my life is after I work full time, I should be more spiritual, stronger, and better? Well, this is only my 5th month, but I felt like ages! It was because I was involved in a few big project, such as Mission Sunday and Arise & Build. I look at Sunday service differently now, I appreciate every part of the service because it was all the hard work from Monday to Friday to make sure the service can go smoothly and people can be ministered by God. When I first came in, my immediate supervisor was not here because she went to her sabbatical leave. I was all by myself, which means I was super lost and blur. And so, I had to work harder to learn without much guidance, of course I did make mistakes a few time. You learn more when you make mistake. This is so true. I have learned that I can make mistake once, but not twice. I remember the first time I made mistake was the printing of women's conference flyer. It wasn't at my fault completely, but I was sort of part of the process when I should have made better communication with the team, I should have double check and not made assumption. From that mistake, I learnt to be very careful, and sharp in looking at details. And I have a very forgiving boss/pastor. He is very patient with me, I remember the first task I did was a cover for A Trilogy of a Three Leaders, I was so stressed up, I don't really know how to start, and I was so afraid to ask him again. Because I thought you shouldn't ask your boss "What you want?" But I went ahead to try, play with a few design until I think it is good enough to show pastor. I stay up that night, don't dare to sleep early, can't stop clicking my trackpad to work with Photoshop. And when your boss said 'he loves it," you know that feeling, I don't need to explain more.
I spent these few months to work with my colleagues, the staff team is huge! But getting to know them is easier and better for me to work efficiently. But I enjoyed the things we do together as a team, I can see the unity when we know each of us love God, that's why we are here.
Slowly, I get the flow of my daily task, designs weekly slides for different events/department. It was pretty much quite standard and I loving my job more and more. Then I started helping pastor to do his sermon slides. I take pride of what I do and I enjoyed them! But, the struggle is real because of my insecurity, I tend to think a lot, and usually it is something negative about myself. I doubt myself a lot, for always being not good enough. My fear of rejection haunted me again as everytime I was stressed up on designing something. I worked extremely hard because my insecurity of not being a professional designer, that I would think if I do something wrong, if my artwork is not great in the eyes of men, then I can be eliminated anytime. I was anxious, wanting to prove myself that I can be a good designer, I want to be different, and that makes me do things bolder, there was struggle behind all the artwork I design, that every time I had anxiety attack, when I had to stop for a while because I cannot breathe. For bigger project, my anxiety will get so bad, that I can't stand with the crowd around me, I can't stay in a room where people keep talking and the noise just gets so loud in my head. That tells why I have to get out of my office room to work alone. Sometimes, I cannot sleep, because my brain cannot stop working. These things, I never really told anyone, because this is so weak as a person.
Yes, that's me. The person who still fighting so hard with her insecurity and anxiety. But hey, don't get me wrong. I love love love my job and my church. I am able to serve God full time, it is an honor. This is the first, one and only church that I can been through so much, where all the ups and downs here made me who I am today, from a new baby Christian, as a teenager, now growing up as a young adult. I still remember those days when I was a crazy on fire volunteer, especially for Emerge, I joined so many competitions and helped out in my cluster commitee, then acting and dancing in Chromeheart for 3 years. Wow! Those days! No idea how I can be so crazy but it was one of the happiest time of my life!
And my cell group, my support system. I am not a born Christian, my family are not yet a believer, praying hard one day they will :) Thankfully, I have a cell group where we have the same faith, loving each other life a family. This is my second family, they seen my worse when I was so defeated, they were there to give me a hug when I teared, and they are always here to celebrate me being me.
Last but not least, my dearest pastor. I always thought having struggle is bad, you shouldn't talk about it, you should deal with it privately. But I see myself growing stronger in my struggle. The most powerful thing that I have encountered was because someone believes in me. It is my pastor who saw something in me, trusting me that I can be the person to deliver the artwork he needs, and being able to work closely with him. I see his hard work as a pastor, to teach us the word of God week in week out. Nights that we didn't sleep because we want to make sure the teaching material can work with my artwork, so that people can get a better experience. I was given so much freedom and space to create something that I always wanted to do. Believe, it is so powerful that you can change a person from someone who is nothing to something, better at least. I wasn't becoming a perfect person, instead, I had to deal with my own issues even more because I see it right now. I recognised this part of me, that part that I let it died, but it was haunting me.
"Embrace your insecurity, because that's when you found the edge." I want to be a servant of God that used by God to create something. Something that can move people to encounter God.
My point is God will not use you when you are perfect, people like me still constantly struggle with my anxiety and insecurity still trying at my best to give to God, not because I am smart or great, but because I have God in my life. The dream was dead but God can make all things new.
Lamentations 3:21-24
But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
"They are new every morning." I am emotional because I am sensitive to feelings and relationship. Don't feel bad if you are depressed, anxious or worse, let's look to God because the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. I couldn't make it to the States, I am sad, but I still praying one day I can go there to see this beautiful country. Now, I choose to continue to pursue bible study again. This is why I am in for BCM (Bible College of Malaysia). The world doesn't stop when you stop, but God will stop and wait for you if He has a promise for you :)
So proud of you sis!
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